Flaming oaks out bedroom windows

There are people whose job it is to travel to plane crashes and pick through the debris. With the heaps of steel and aluminum they find, amidst the ruined humanity--the indescribable chaos--they must somehow create order. Their job is to understand the story of what went wrong, they must find answers. After watching the Ring 2, I feel a kinship with these people. More than mere empathy, an understanding of the helplessness of bearing witness to such a tragedy, I have a desire to ensure that such a thing will never happen again.

A Conspiracy of Blandness

Ahead I have compiled conclusive evidence that The Ring 2 is nothing short of a concerted effort to drain all that was good and original in a movie concept and replace it with insipid nonsense and slasher cliché--and a chase scene [for God's sake].

The opening scene is ripped from every horror movie you've seen since Halloween. Two teens, a boy and a girl, about to do what boys and girls do. But before we fondle each other, I got this tape I want you to see . . .

Mind-numbing and portentous.

Ten minutes in they take the tape away. Samara doesn't need it after all. Perhaps she was just pretending. The you'll-be-dead-in-seven-days motif is gone as well. She can kill you right away. That must be liberating.

At first, though, she plays by the original rules to track Rachel Keller down [in Astoria, which hasn't seen this much violence since One-Eyed Willy or John Kimball], killing people via video tape, making her way down the coastline. But once she finds Rachel, whom she has selected to be her new mommy, all rules go out the window. She's free to stalk people anywhere, though generally only when there aren't a lot of witnesses around. She can now also possess their bodies. She does all this to get Naomi Watts to like her. That part I understand.

"She wants to live. For real this time."

It's a quality of life issue for Samara. I see. Her mom was crazy and she drove her foster parents that way. Now she just wants a normal [after]life. But you have to ask yourself, Samara--sweetie--with everyone around you going crazy, do you think that maybe you're the reason?

Another thing Ring 2 ruins about the mystery of Samara, is that the child's soul wasn't twisted and enraged by her murder, she was a demon to begin with. Demon babies are old hat, but the assertion that evil in life creates evil in death is wonderfully fresh, possessed of an Eastern sensibility that American horror is mostly unused to.

But maybe Samara doesn't get that she's a crazy murderous demon. Ignorance of self has propelled lots of great movies, I could get behind that.

The newfound stupidity of Rachel Keller, though, is inexplicable. She was so smart in The Ring. Decisive too. She figured out Samara's puzzle, all the way to the end she nailed it. Then, confronted with a terrible choice, an impossible choice--one's child or one's lover--she acted with strength and resolve. Exactly half of the original brilliance of The Ring was its strong characters and difficult moral dilemmas. When it's you deciding who lives and who dies, everything is more terrifying.

Now, after seeing Samara again, and after it's obvious that she's got eyes on Rachel's son, Aiden, Rachel continues to leave him in big houses, alone in dark rooms. Then, each time [5 by my count] she comes in to find the boy soaked with sweat yet freezing cold to the touch, she seems surprised. The wall paper in Aiden's just burned in the shape of a flaming oak tree . . . that couldn't happen twice.

The state eventually comes in and actually takes Aiden into their custody, accusing Rachel of abuse. This is meant to be a tragic irony--it's obviously Samara doing the abusing--but you can only leave a kid alone in so many bathtubs with so many demon babies before you're guilty of at least neglect.

Earlier, as her Volkswagen is being pummeled by twenty-odd rampaging whitetail deer [murderous deer being as close to the first movie's suicidal horses as you can get in Astoria, Oregon], and Aiden tells her to floor it, rather than speeding away, Rachel stops to marvel that the boy knows just what to do in the situation. The Rachel I know would've hit it, and taken out as many death-deer as possible.

The Ring 2 is possessed of no coherent logical structure, and as a result, makes no sense. Way more troublesome than not making sense, though, this structure was what made the original film scary in the first place. Without it, Ring 2 fumbles even basic chills.

The Hannibal Correlate

We've seen this kind of thing before. In Silence of the Lambs, Hannibal Lecter is fantastically scary. He's a brilliant psychotic, capable of using the power of suggestion to kill. People literally swallow their tongues in fright when he's around. He exudes preternatural evil. The scariest thing about Lecter, though, is that he sows his violence without ever leaving his cell. He's in an ultra-maximum security lockdown and he still manages to kill. This is the power the original Ring wielded, Samara could kill--was very successful at killing--despite confinement [in a VHS tape]. Despite logical structures in place to protect us, we can still die. So we fear, but this internal logic also imbues the audience with a false sense of control. If you know the rules, you stay alive. Of course, you never know all the rules. That sense of unpredictability, in the end, is what creates real terror.

The Ring 2 stumbles the same way Hannibal [sequel to Silence of the Lambs] did. It takes away the internal logic that kept Samara [and Hannibal] seemingly distant. Once those constructs are absent, naturally, evil goes on a rampage. All of a sudden, and perhaps counter-intuitively, with the maniac on the loose, we know exactly who will die: anyone who gets in his or her way. There's no unpredictability to knowing that everyone's going to get it. At that point, you have nothing to work with but the promise of gruesome murders and a reliance on wacky camera angles and madmen in closets to sustain any level of tension.

The perception of threat is an extension of the unknown. Uncertainty is menace, and that is always scarier than some veiny, tensed corpse with its face all screwed-up i

Read the full thing here.

Cavalcade of the Little-Known!

I know it's been a long time since I've updated, but I'm a for real journalist now. That is, a for real journalist who works for a independent weekly in a small northerly town. That I work for free does not diminish the fact that what I am doing is actually work. Working. I.

Here's the thing I've been working on. Being a for real journalist for a small independent weekly means you research conspiracies on the internet. This is the first of three things I have in this week's issue. I call it, Cavalcade of the Little-Known!

M E M O R A N D U M
To: Zach Hagadone, Chris De Cleur
CC: Linden LaRouche, Dan Rather, the People of America
From: Luke Baumgarten
Subject: A Cavalcade of the Little-Known!

From the desk of the Truth Editor:

Enclosed, find a brief survey of groups and happenings whose existences are yet to be officially proven but which seem pretty obvious to some people. These include, but are not limited to: government programs, secret societies, strange [satanic and/or luciferian and/or kabalistic and/or homosexual and/or occult] rituals and several inexplicable creatures. If you aren't acquainted with the differences between Satanism and luciferianism, my sources suggest you get your head right, quick.

If you have not heard of these things until now, you have either been overtly brainwashed or are one more of the millions of people kept ignorant by the media establishment, which is, depending on your source, controlled by the occult, [The] Jews, the Right, and/or the Left, some [or all!] of whom are working together to bring about a New World Order [NWO]. Believers warn that any evidence to the contrary is proof of the vastness of the NWO’s reach in the global marketplace of ideas.

Anything, big or small, you see or hear, anywhere, at any time, will be further proof of this vastness.

If you do not see this vastness, or are skeptical of it, my sources again suggest you get your head right.

I expect this memo will bring some kind of reprisal. My untimely death would, obviously, be proof of the above-mentioned vastness.

If nothing else, I hope such an event will lead some of you to get your heads right.

Yours in Vigilant Watchfulness,


Luke Baumgarten

HAARP
Official Line: Short for High Frequency Active Auroral Research Program, HAARP's mission is to "understand, simulate and control ionospheric processes that might alter the performance of communication and surveillance systems." It is a joint project between the United States Air Force, her Navy, and the University of Alaska. Proponents say it is safe to shoot massive amounts of electricity into the ionosphere, comparing the array's effects to an "immersion heater in the Yukon River."
Those who know say: A variant of the Wardenclyffe Tower, it’s a giant death machine based on the notes of Nikola Tesla himself, which were seized by the FBI after his death. Of alternate theories, this is the most probable. Others include HAARP as weather control device, earthquake generator, atmospheric hole maker, mind control broadcast array, and, depending on who you talk to, either a device for signaling aliens, or for blowing up their interstellar invasion / colony ships.
Probably connected to: Illuminati; MJ-12; Sightings at Roswell; J. Edgar Hoover

The GEMSTONE FILE
Official Line: So secret it doesn’t have an official line.
Those who know say: It chronicles the massive conspiracy led by Aristotle Onassis to corner the US shipping market [by abducting Howard Hughes, forcibly injecting him with heroin for several months], grow his heroin trafficking empire and claim the presidency for his own. According to the file, he achieved the latter three times. Onassis was also into synthetic rubies, which is where the file's name derives. Onassis had his hands in the election of JFK, the Bay of Pigs debacle, the assassination of JFK, the presidency of Johnson, the election of Nixon, and everything else that happened in America from 1932 until the 80's.
Cinematic correlate: Oliver Stone directs The Aviator.
Alleged co-conspirators: The mafia, seven major oil companies, [then V.P.] Richard Milhous Nixon, all the Kennedys, senators, congressmen, the Roosevelt boys [Franklin, Elliot], Washington Post owner Eugene Meyer, the Pope.
Eyewitnesses say: Nixon couldn't cop smack to save his life.

The MOTHMAN
Official Line: Large sand hill crane. Yet carnivorous. Perhaps a red-shouldered hawk. Big one.
Eyewitnesses say: He was out by the abandoned TNT plant. Nigh on 7 foot. Eyes big as bike reflectors. Folks had been seeing lights out that way for a couple, three nights. Some kids, necking on a back road, saw him first. Scared them straight. Then he killed Newell Partridge's dog, left the carcass 90 miles away. Car full of newlyweds found it. Scared them half to death. Most folks didn't know what to think. Then that strange fellow came around. Beady eyed, didn't talk right. Stole Mary Hyre's pen right off her desk, ran away, laughing.
Possible ties to: UFOs, Men in Black, Cornstalk Curse

The BOHEMIAN GROVE
Official Line: Begun in the late 19th century to bring a little class to the frontier, the Bohemian Club. It is an all male club that boasts some very powerful and influential people as members. The grove is their playpen.
Those who know say: A giant stone owl [voiced by the throaty, distinguished Walter Cronkite] is their worshipped centerpiece; world domination is their aim. The Bohemian Grove is another who’s who of the world’s [financial, military, governmental] elite which--through Masonic occultism, networking, power-lunching--plan to grip the planet in [or have already!] a puppet-master meritocracy. Certain people suggest Adolph Hitler was a member. However, he was not known to have ever made the trip to Northern California. Further, insiders admit there was no love loss between he and Cronkite. From the air, looking north, The United States capital and the lawns and walkways around it take the shape of a stone owl.
Members include: Presidents, secretaries of state; Military contractors; oil barons; federal reserve members; World Bank officers; vast, right wing conspirators.
Recurring character Richard Nixon said: “The Bohemian Grove -- which I attend, from time to time -- it is the most faggy goddamned thing you could ever imagine. . .” [Harper’s 2000]

The JERSEY DEVIL
Official Line: Another sand hill crane. Again though, carnivorous. Perhaps a pterodactyl.
Those who know say: Devil is either the 6th, 10th, 12th, or 13th child of either Mrs. Leeds of Esteville or Mrs. Shrouds of Leeds Point. The child was born deformed because one of the women either prayed for a devil-child, had treasonous sex with a British naval officer or had luciferian sex with the devil himself. The child, upon birth, was confined to the attic or the cellar, or it scampered from the womb to the chimney and out into the night. Sightings persist to this day, making the devil roughly 260 years old. Artillery fire does not kill it. Rabid dogs do not kill it. Power lines kill it, as do forest fires, but it always comes back to life. It can slaughter the deadliest of animals, but has been reportedly shooed away by farmers, and warded off by spinsters with just a straw broom and moxie.
Seen with: Mermaids, the ghost of Captain Kidd, Joseph Bonaparte
Juxtapose against less dangerous folklore of New Jersey: The White Stag; James Still, the black doctor
Zack Cozzens said: "It was as fast as an auto." [Jan. 16 1909]

DENVER INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT
Official Line: Big airport for a major metropolitan area. It boasts a massive underground luggage ferrying service that was a catastrophe when built in the early 90's, but has since been renovated and is partially functional.
Those who know say: DIA is the western headquarters of the New World Order--housing a massive underground city where the automated luggage system should be. This is intuitively obvious because of the airport's needless sprawl and its remoteness to the city it services. Apocalyptic artwork that looks vaguely cultic and strange [Masonic, alien] symbology on its walls further supports this claim.
Alleged collusion with: Illuminati; MJ-12; Events at Roswell; Richard M. Nixon
Art critics say: Art shows bad taste, not globe-domination bent.

MARISA TOMEI'S OSCAR
Official Line: Bang up job in My Cousin Vinny. The young, talented beauty transcended stereotype with insight and nuance.
Those who know say: She wasn't supposed to win. Presenter read the wrong name [on purpose!], possibly at behest of Illuminati/Freemasons/Jacobins/Aliens. Academy, in retaliation, black-listed Tomei for years, only giving her parts in indie films and mainstream parts no one else wanted. The Black-list may have been recently lifted, however this is difficult to gauge because she still takes parts no one else wants.
Sources: My Cousin Vinny (1992), Four Rooms (1995), What Women Want (2000), Alfie (2004)

The ILLUMINATI
Official Line: Many groups have taken this name over the years, and are unconnected to each other. Illuminati means "the enlightened ones" in Latin and would obviously be a popular name for mystics, sophists and the arrogant. The most famous of these groups were the Bavarian Illuminati [1776-1785]. It's principle founder, Adam Weishaupt, was a former Jesuit. Many of its members were also Freemasons. The rigidly conservative [papist] government of Bavaria repressed the movement in 1785, along with all other secret societies.
Illuminati in history: Alumbrados of Spain [founded c. 1490, blighted by Inquisition into 17th century], Illumines of France [founded c. 1620, suppressed 1635], Rosicrucians [founded 1422 or 1537], Martinists [occultist cabalists, founded1754]
Those who know say: They're all the same organization! And persist to this day! They seek to control [or already do!] governments through back door power brokering. They seek to control [or already do!] the masses by channeling the global flow of information. They are so huge and powerful you've never heard of them before.
Suspected ties to: Freemasons, the Occult, Majestic 12, America's founding fathers, The Jesuits, The Jacobins, Skull and Bones, Scroll and Key, everyone you've ever met, except you of course, and the people on your mailing list.
Probably responsible for: Russian Revolution, American Revolution, all anti-monarchy and anti-papacy activity throughout recorded history. Stuff you never even heard of.

Read the full thing here.